Just a reminder!

I have to admit something. This may come as a shock to you. Brace yourself. This is heavy...I don't always like what I see in the mirror. Really, there are some days I hardly recognize myself. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself or think I'm hideous or anything like that. But I definitely could use improvement. Which is why I am always working on me.

And I'm not just talking about the exterior. Yeah, the age thing is going to happen. There's really no fighting that. Yesterday at the dermatologist's office I saw several people actively fighting it. That alone is not a pretty picture. And the hair...my hair has a different personality every day and I really only like 2 or 3 of them. So, I color. I straighten. I grow. I cut. I do what I have to do. Then there's the body...ugh. For the good majority of us, the older we get the rounder we get. And, our body parts are drawn closer and closer to the ground (thank you, gravity). In order to prevent this, we must cut out all the yummy junk food and exercise. Yippee...

But there's more to it. There's also stuff on the inside. There are those ideas of who I should be; where I should be; what I should have accomplished in my life 'by now'. There are the doubts about things I've done. And there are questions about things ahead. And so I work on these things as well. Keeping my focus where it should be, thinking on the right things, always being aware of the potential distractions. This is a constant battle for me.

But, I am reminded today as I look in the mirror at this aging, crazy-haired, overweight, self-doubting creature that God loves me right where I am. He knows every thought. He knows every hair. And He loves me. Sure, He wants me to keep striving for the better me. Only because He knows that will make me happy. But none of that will change a bit of what's in His heart for me. NOTHING ever will...

Just relax...

I am a planner.  I love to plan things because I'm good at it.  I can make a list of everything that needs to be done and when and not miss a thing.  Or so I thought.  It seems no one is perfect. 
Josh and Alyssa earned free tickets to Fiesta Texas from a reading program at their school during the year.  It's an awesome program and it helps us out because, well, free tickets.  So, I plan.  I bought tickets for me, Rhett and Jason online.  Even prepaid for parking so it would be taken care of.  Spending money. Check.  Swimsuits. Check.  Sunscreen.  Check.  Cooler of drinks and snacks for the ride home. Check.  I plan and we go.  I love the excitement of taking the kids to these kinds of things.  Every parent loves the joy in seeing our children happy and loving life.  The drive is just long enough to build the anticipation.  We park and walk straight up to the entrance.  No need to stand in line, we already have tickets.  I smile and hand the paper to the nice elderly woman who looks up at me, very apologetically and says, "I'm sorry, dear.  These expired yesterday."  I do believe I actually heard my bubble burst as the words hit me.  What...?  WHAT?!  I turn around and walk away, leaving my family confused.  But I was not confused.  I looked at the ticket and she was right.  I was mad at myself, embarassed.  How had I missed it?  I tried to disguise my disappointment in myself but it was obvious.  Rhett headed straight for the ticket line.  I remember saying something like, "We can't afford to buy 2 tickets full price.  Nobody pays full price for tickets.  We don't even have a Coke can."  The lady in front of us finished her purchase and, just before she walked away and we stepped up, she turned and put something in Rhett's hand.  A coupon for half off.  She hadn't needed it so she passed it on to us.  We actually ended up paying less for Alyssa and Josh than I had paid online for the other 3.  And at that very moment, I felt it.  Like a small child must feel when they are abruptly and lovingly corrected by a parent.  God said to me, "Please relax.  I've got this."  It turned out to be one of my favorite days of the whole summer.  Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that I am not running this show.  When I fall short, and I will, You are there to catch me.

That's Me...Who are You?

I'm tired...I have a husband and 3 kids.  So, the words 'I'm tired' frequently leave my mouth.  During the school year we have a set schedule.  Wake up time, breakfast time, school time, homework time, dinner time, bed time.  During the summer it's a whole other story.  Nothing is set.  We wake up when we need to. We eat when we are hungry.  We go to bed when we all collapse.  The days are full of an attempt to have as much fun as possible without breaking the bank.  So, yeah, I'm tired.  But, as tiring as it may be cleaning up after a 5 year old, feeding a constantly-growing 8 year old, and answering every question of a 10 year old, I've realized that nothing, NOTHING, makes me more tired than trying to be something I'm not.

In my 36 years I realize I've wasted some quality time on this.  Most of it is admiring someone else and trying to be 'like' them.  A lot of it is fear of being rejected if I'm not what people expect or want me to be.  But, you know what? It doesn't matter.  If I'm not being true to myself, then I'm letting me down.  And that's far more difficult to swallow then what anyone else will ever say to me. I know when I don't really want to do something, even if I'm asked.  I know when someone else should be handling things, even if I'm not quite sure I want to take my hands off of it.  I know when I need someone to help me because I'm in over my head.  I also know when I'm good at something.  I know when something ignites a passion in me.  I know when I do something and it brings me such joy that I immediately want to do it again.  I KNOW, deep down, who I am.  And I know who I'm not.  It's really just a matter of accepting that.  And being who I am.

I will never be a famous singer, an actress, a model, a public speaker, an astronaut (that's what I always wanted to be as a child).  Though I have great admiration for people who are successful in these things.  But, I can bake a mean chocolate chip cookie.  I can plan an event down to the last minute detail.  When I walk into my living room and sit on my couch, I know all 3 kids will be in my lap in a matter of moments because they love to be there.  I can play and laugh or keep secrets and shoulder burdens with those who call me friend.  I can enjoy the life I have chosen with the man who has chosen me.  And that is me. That is who I need to be.  Nothing more, nothing less, nothing...different.  God made me to be who I am.  Exactly who I am.  To fill this spot in this life that is mine.

Happy Mother's Day!

In honor of Mother's Day, I think Natalie Merchant sums it up best...

For you, Mom.  I love you!  Thank you...

http://youtu.be/rdG618TMc5E

La-la-la-la...
You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness, I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it
La-la-la-la...
You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness, I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it
La-la-la-la...
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you, I want to thank you
Oh, I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you

You're Not the Only One

I recently had the opportunity to participate in a 4-week book study with a group of pretty incredible ladies.  We read and discussed Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity, which I HIGHLY suggest every woman read.  I gained so many things from the time I spent with these ladies and our discussions.  But, there is one thing that has stayed in the forefront of my mind and I want to share it with you...YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE.

You are not the only one that doesn't always like what you see in the mirror. 
You are not the only one that loses your temper and regrets the behavior that comes with it.
You are not the only one that has messed up.
You are not the only one that doesn't have time to clean the baseboards and ceiling fans.
You are not the only one that argues with your spouse.
You are not the only one that feels alone.
You are not the only one that can't fit into your jeans on 'certain' days.
You are not the only one that has been taken advantage of.
You are not the only one that questions your parenting ability.
You are not the only one that looks around in a crowd and thinks to yourself  "I don't belong here."
You are not the only one that wants to change things about yourself (your size, your hair, your skin, your sense of humor, your ability to make friends, your attitude).

You are not the only one. In fact, we have all been through these moments.  That's right...everyone deals with these thoughts.  Even her...the one you think has it all together.  What matters is how long we stay there.  Some of us dwell in these thoughts.  But, listen to me closely, we don't have to. The choice is ours.  We know ourselves.  We know we are human. We know we are imperfect. We know we have made mistakes.  And we know we'll make more.  BUT, we also know we are smart. We also know we are beautiful. We also know we are loved.  I encourage you, dwell there.  You are loved.  And if we stop 'measuring ourselves up' to what we believe everyone else IS, then we can also know that they are human.  They are imperfect.  They have made and will make mistakes.  But we can love them. 

Do NOT go in there.

My house is very lived in. There are five of us. Three under the age of 10 who have no concept of a trash can or laundry hamper.  But when I know people are coming over, of course, I clean my house.  I don't want it to 'look' lived in. So, if you come for a visit (and I know you're coming) my home will be nice and tidy.  Clean dishes, clean floors, clean bathrooms, shoes and jackets in their proper place, maybe even a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Welcome to the Johnsons'... 

But there is one room in my house you will never go into.  It's our 'office', and I'm using that term very loosely.  This room contains everything we can't seem to let go of or find a space for.  And the scary thing is it's just getting more and more full.    If I look at the room as a whole it is almost overwhelming for me.  I'm talking exercise equipment (which we don't use because I'd rather go to the gym), craft supplies (which I usually buy more of because I forget I already have them), stacks of papers that need sorting and filing (who has time for that???), kids' art projects and papers since they started school (these are not going anywhere), books...boxes of books, even three (yep, three) dinosaur computers that we don't use but aren't sure what to do with, and the list goes on and on.  No, I am not a hoarder.  I know that I need to clean this room out.  I know that the longer I wait it is very likely that more will be thrown in there.  Just one thing piled onto the next.  I know that if I don't clean this room out, eventually it will get full.  And inevitably, it will start to overflow into the rest of my house.  Keeping it closed in behind that door does not make it any less part of my home and my belongings.  It is part of the package as much as I want to keep it hidden. 

So, I wonder how many of us have these little rooms inside our hearts.  These secret little rooms where we keep things that we can't seem to let go of, but we don't really have space for.  Even if we ignore them, they are still there.  And we just pile more on top of the old until our little room is spilling over into other parts of us.  It is very uncomfortable for me to be in that room, just BE there.  I would never go sit in that room.  It would just leave me overwhelmed and depressed.  But I can't choose to ignore it.  I must go in with the motive and mindset of cleaning out and making better.  It may mean making the tough decision to get rid of somethings that I've had for a while.  But, let me ask you this, if these things are so unnecessary (and even ugly) that they must be 'hidden' away, why in the world am I hanging on to them? It's time to clean out...papers, books, computers, craft supplies, insecurities, jealousy, blame, unforgiveness...clean out and make better.

Dear Lord, Help this woman!

My 5 year old honestly believes he runs our home.  He thinks I, and his two older siblings, simply dwell in this house to wait on him.  He will not hesitate to bark loudly to anyone within earshot, "I want gatorade!"  And this is not just a statement. It's a demand.  It means "I want gatorade. Get it for me now."  And to add to the horror of this situation, I've realized that a good part of the time one of us will bring him the gatorade simply because we don't want to hear his reaction if we don't!  I can't believe I just admitted to that...  My other two children are not like this.  At what point did I forget how to parent?  That's how I feel sometimes.  I feel responsible for this.  And yet, I haven't done anything differently than I did with the other two.  Or have I???  Let's see, by the time Alyssa (my 9 yr old) was this age she had two younger brothers.  And by the time Josh was 5, Jason was in the picture.  Nothing will grow a child up faster than having a new baby in the house.  The cycle stops though, when there are no more new babies.  That's why the youngest is, and forever will be, referred to as 'the baby'. 

So, here's my concern... I am picturing him sitting in a classroom full of other 5 year olds (some of which are also 'babies') yelling, "I want gatorade!"  However, no one will be bringing him gatorade.  What kind of earth-shattering realization will it bring when he sees that the world does not revolve around him?  And, is there any way I can get this across to him before August?  Because, honestly, I feel a little guilty turning this boy, this child, this 'baby' over to a perfectly innocent teacher who has never wronged me in any way.  Don't misunderstand me, Jason is incredibly smart and sweet.  He never hesitates to give the best hugs and always wants to help 'Mom' with whatever task I am up against.  But...BUT...this kid can be a booger.  He knows exactly what he wants, when he wants it, and has no need to discuss it.  And, he is very crafty with the super-cuteness.  He can manipulate with a flutter of the eyelashes and grin quicker than Brad Pitt. 

I know how important Kindergarten is.  It sets the tone for the 12 years that follow.  All I can do at this point is pray.  Pray that the next few months bring a maturity to my child.  Pray that the summer spent with his siblings home will calm the demands and increase the ability to share.  Pray that the RIGHT teacher is already in the works for Jason.  Pray that because God created him, He knows the kind of patience and understanding this teacher will need.  (Bonus if she has had a 5 year old 'baby' of her own.)  All I can do is pray and trust God... Dear Lord, Help this woman!!

Dead Batteries

My car died today.  Not entirely, just a dead battery.  I was busy chatting on the phone when I pulled into my parking space at Target.  Not quite ready to get out I let my 5 year old climb up in the front seat with me.  I continued my conversation while he turned into speed racer, flicking every switch, turning every knob.  I didn't give it another thought.  Finished my conversation and went about my shopping.  And then it happened.  As I approached my car I pushed the button to open the trunk...nothing.  I tried to unlock the doors...nothing.  I actually had to put the key into the keyhole and turn it to unlock the car.  I got in, put my key in the ignition and turned...nothing.  Great!  I still had errands and kids to pick up from school.  It was clear, though, I was going nowhere. 

My phenomenal husband saved me with a quick jump and I was on my way again (slight 1 1/2 hour delay).  And it was then that I realized that Jason had turned the lights on, which I would have noticed had I not been distracted with the phone call.  So, I got to thinking.  What am I unnecessarily distracted with?  What am I overlooking that could be important in the long run? And are either of these things zapping the life out of me?  We can put so much time and effort into things that seem important at the time, but in a much bigger picture...let's face it, they aren't.  These things, these chores, can consume us and even deplete us, making us useless to others and even to the things that really do need our attention. 

Let me encourage you, step back.  Take a look at the big picture.  Listen when people (especially children) talk to you. Look them in the face and listen. Plan ahead, stop winging it and then being upset because you didn't get everything done.  Set time aside for you. You will never be enough for anyone else if you're not the person you want to be.  Always work toward a better you.  Big picture, folks...this is why we're here.